Initial Start of my Book...Bachelor Street

Someone once said that the only thing constant is change. I quoted that person time and time again when I was evangelizing the disillusioned. Like a platitude that someone makes at a party to impress you and to divert the lulling conversation to some other mundane topic that seems impressive at the beginning but as usual leaves you, well, wanting.

I now have joined the ranks of the disillusioned. I don’t think I believe my mantra about change anymore. Oh sure there are things that do change. It takes me longer at the urinal. I have to actually stop and think “Where was I going?” more frequently. The skin on the top of my hand doesn’t just snap back like it did when I was twenty and there are actually lines on my face that aren’t just there when I laugh or cry. They are always there and they seem to be multiplying rapidly.

But the fact of the matter is my heart hasn’t changed. I so didn’t believe that when I was young. I ran with vigor against my heart with all the zealousness that youth could muster up only to come to the revelation 20 years later that in fact nothing in my heart had changed. I had circled back one more time like the Hebrews in the desert wandering through this labyrinth of ideals with the Promised Land just around the next corner. The joke’s on me. I’m beginning to realize that there really is no way out of the maze. It’s not even the goal! There never is the final corner. The place where you sit down, exhale and say “I did it!” It just doesn’t exist. I’ve gone down the wrong “labyrinth” altogether and the Promised Land isn’t even down this road!

So now here I sit, on the edge of insanity, thinking, "Ok, now what?" How do I swallow this pill? The "This is it Pill!" How do I accept it? How do I say yes and amen to the very thing I have run from my whole life and accept all of the "fruit" that has matured due to those choices. I have walked up stream my whole life. Now I am getting out into the middle of the river far enough that I can pick my feet up and see where the river takes me. Now I bump into rocks. I don't fall or slip on them from climbing up the river.

The problem is that now that I am floating down the river, I have a huge millstone around my neck that is making this floating business extremely difficult.(more to follow)