I Want a Do Over!!

What do I need to do? Where do I start?

Remember when you were a kid in the throws of a neighborhood game of a life time and you realized in the middle of whatever major play you were excecuting that it wasn't going to work the way you planned? Back then screaming "Do Over!" immediately granted some sort of amnesty by your team mates. It was the magic phrase that, whether rightly or wrongly, brought every one to a point of re-evalutation instantly! No one was kicked to the curb! Everyone was still vital and still got to play because without them the game couldn't continue.

I want a Do Over!

There's a moment I remember so vividly in my courting days with my now ex-wife. It was in the middle of one Saturday afternoon in the fall. We were lying in my room which was basically a sun porch at my friends house. A room surrounded by windows on the back of his house and it was drenched with sun and colors from the leaves. It was one of those "perfect" moments. In my mind, even now, I can see Abigail propped up on on her arms, with her brilliant blue eyes sparkling like they always do. That sparkle is genetic. Because when my children smile from their hearts, I see that sparkle and the dagger twists just a bit more. Suddenly, we hear a rustling in the back yard as though some one is digging thru a pile of dry leaves. The sound was so intriguing that we were compelled to gradually rise up to the window sill behind the bed ever so slightly. It was as though the back yard had been carpeted with this jet black rug and it was shaking violently! There in the back yard was a flock of crows. All you could see were crows and leaves flying as they scoured the yard for food. We were frozen as though someone had just walked into the room that we weren't supposed to be in.

I can still remember Abigail's body frozen next to mine and the smell of Aromatics Elixir. The perfume was as intriguing as she was as well as the moment and I don't think I had ever been more in love up to that moment than I was then. I remember that "in love" feeling that was so intoxicating as if it were yesterday. I so didn't want it to end and I thought at that moment it wouldn't. But without warning, much like the end of our marriage, something startled the crows and with amazing synchronisity they took flight all at once. It was over. It was as though someone had grabbed the corners of a thick, black blanket and ripped it off the yard.

Now 13 years later, when our lives have turned into what seems like a dozen strands of Christmas lights all wadded together, I want a Do Over! I want to go back to that room and start from there. Or back to the aisle in the farmers market when I saw her reach for the Brie cheese and knew I was going to marry her. Or the time she took my breath away when I saw her walking out of her sisters house under an umbrella in a long black skirt with that sparkle that I could see thru the rain covered windshield. Or the day I was standing at the end of that long aisle and she was at the other end, standing two feet taller than her grandmother who would give her to me.

But for some reason when all your teamates grow up they forget about "Do Over". Scores are kept in stone and kicking to the curb becomes the way of life. I'm still yelling "Do Over" even if I am sitting on the curb. I still hope someone remembers.